Crippled Realities

the post from wenever to forever

2009-07-06T10:54:00.000-07:00

man!
wat a long time it has been since i fed this poor hungry blog!
i was waiting for peace of mind
was waiting for an assurance of some kind.

after college got over,
after that insane month march...holy lord!
assignments and a kickass b'day went so perfectly well with one another, a shock indeed! :)

then came the long, unfruitful holidays!
the longest of them all..but filled with uncertainty! hated it
but hey, can't crib any longer...i did get into a place where they pay me for studying..

the feeling of going away had well seeped in by the time it hit me like a bolt. it is a very confused feeling...it doesnt know wat causes it and what it may result in! bloody heart

like i hadn't cursed it enough already...the month of june broke my heart, threw it on the floor and tap danced on it merrily!
like asha says..."yappa swammy" condition i was in...
being miserable with a smile on your face- not the top 5 desirable emotions..i assure you!
although,

i like it that you cared,
i like it that you loved,
i like how u smiled at me and
i like how you cried for me
but
i hate how you left with my heart bleeding with your stupidity
i hate how you switched off my future
i hate how you then laughed with glee..

after being paranoid and self destroyed i got to this:
not bleeding my soul out for you any longer..
not going to lead you the wrong way on..
fly away
you are free!

im free...
im going off from home..
new life..
new people.
its a little strange that things are changing so rapidly...
i get up abruptly from sleep sometimes,
thinking,
im going to be so lonely that i can only speak
to the dullest faces
meet the stillness of air
and spend time with the empty spaces.

i miss my vibrant friends,
i miss their animated-ness
and i miss walking around in packs like i owned every inch of land.

but then
let the insanity begin...
my bags are packed with every inch of my individuality and locked with confidence!

bring it on!
:D

dancing in the dark

2008-11-03T03:57:00.000-08:00

"you are 8 mins late"
well, birju has to yell, act responsible before going to that lake, its a tradition and he was fulfilling it well.
we rode to TFF, our old hang-out. nothing had changed. the parota, that old dog, the cucumber pieces, those steps lots of memories.
we began the ride to the lake. i felt it was not going to be the same, we had company this time, company i wasnt sure about. but what the heck! i am going home.

on the way was the first heart-breaker.
the broken temple- it was gone!! they had broken the broken temple.
we cursed, we cursed more, as there was nothin else we could do.

we moved on.
we found another temple.
it was broken.
we made new memories there.
that was the point,
we had set out to make new memories
fresh ones.

we reached.
uncle and his warmth.
we were home.
-sigh-

we invaded our territory,
the kitchen!
-grin-
it's always like the men are going to come home and we were cooking for them,
looking forward to them.

the sun was waiting for us to set.
he stood there patiently,
flaunting the million colours in his disposition.
demanding to be photographed!
so be it.
-click- -click-
all over the place!

we laid down on the bank.
motionlessly.
i thought
"nothing has changed.
nothing will".

-lol-
roshan said it looking at the fried fish on the plate
"what did this fish know it would be dead and fried on my plate.
just yesterday it would have been happy and playful in the water".
we laughed it off.
but its true..
so true.

we can back and set up the music.
all of roshan music
playing loudly.
i was home
we were home.

then we played cards.
the pack of card were flipping from side to side
and me,
i was tripping on that.
ross was lucky
and uncle was tactful
they made a winning team and we went down!
"burning burning happening"
"burning burning happening"
birju was jealous
insecure...
like always.
well for uncle,
we are kidnapping him for sure.

omelet
puliogre rice
and the sweet taste of water.
satisfying dinner.

ross's mind was set,
the flame will be kindled
no matter what,
but first hurdle-
uncle ko mananna.
after a lot of puppy faces he looked at me.
"sumathi vaha thandi hai"
"parva nahi uncle hum sweater pahne hai", i said.
it worked
it worked!
he took out the wires, the logs.
birju said "which father does all this for his child and friends"
it was true. uncle had gone outta his way to set up the camp-fire for us.

fire!
oh my god!
fire!
it was awesome.
i loved it.
one more entry on my "high" list!
the 'boss' said it right "we were just dancing in the dark".
we controlled small little flames on our fingertips as well..
after much argument not to mention!
the night grew darker and colder.
"god"(roshan) kept saying
"let there be fire"
but his words had no effect when we had ran out of things to burn.
we called it a night.

in spite of gongamma's weird noises, we slept a little,
not as much as gongamma but still.

the next morning we ate Maggi...:D
the water was awaiting.
wait no longer...
-plunge-
she and i were water-dancing.
then birju, megha and i were playing ring-a-ring-a-roses in the water!!!
oh ya! the "mixy".
soon we were flipping like a dolphin.
the hardest part is leaving the water,
leaving from the lake.

"macha check if we have left anything behind. except all the memories", ross was right.
lots of memories were left behind.
as i peeped into the empty room, i could here your laughter(ok...little over dramatic.but feeling behind it ok!!)

"the etiquette of roshan's group".
let there be fire
(damn it doesn't work now)
:)

a new flame has been kindled

2008-11-02T08:58:00.000-08:00

these are not mine!
not my tears
not my fears.
whose shoes do i keep slipping into
what is this im trying to figure out?
it gone...
everything.

it's a new kinda flame now.
it burns with happyness
with a smile.
not because i dont care for you,
but because i want to care for me.
i want to be your happy person.
i want to be there for you.
i will say stupid things,
act mad,
behave insane,
behave childlike.
i will be high,
i will be here.

just let me be
just let it be.

i dont want to know if its fading away
i dont want to know if u care
i dont want to see what's the truth
i dont want to know your lies.
i like it this way.
i like these shoes.

just let me be
just let it be.

I-Am-High!! :D

2008-10-22T03:29:00.000-07:00

i was thinking of all those things that makes me "that kinda high", the list has just began! -grin-
hope this post makes you high too!

- Alcohol duh!
although beer is better that gulping vodka like a fool...heheh.

- weed!
the high i get with weed is like sublime, pure this is beyond high, itz trance.

-The Lake
that water, the nariyal, roshan's smile when he sees those fishes, the ride/drive there! all the all of it!

-Those fools!
my best friends are addictive and they all smell thus they can mke me high! (there must be a waring on them! hehe)

-Zombie high
usually nehal's state, but really sleep deprivation can do this to you!

-MUSIC
there are like a million songs, although currently Loverman, Mettalica(thanks Abhilash!! hehe), Radiohead Punchdrunk Lovesick Singalong, Intertia creeps (Massive Attack), The Kooks Shine On, all of System of a down, Micheal Buble (when im in the mood for sway)...lets stop at that!

-photo-taking!
like par said "this sum no! cant keep qite with a cam in her hand". hehe...come on! itz photography...:)

-Rain
i know for a fact that im not the only one here! hehe...the smell of rain and the cold feel it can leave u with...magicall!

-Backward walking
Par and i came up with this song and everything...try walking backward. alomost theaputic i sould say...-grin-

-My Happy people
somethimes, you need other people to make you happy and in the process, they just end up making me high! hehe...Sheryas tops my list right now! :)

-Weird words
i dont know where i pick these words from but Althuzar, Zarathustra, Zuloooo, owl noises (oooooo), watok, basically 'phrasebook material', tend to make me high. i think itz like Fred Flintstone's "yabadabadoooooo" hehehe

-food!
no really, some food does get me high! hehe...maggi and curds top the list!

-Golgappa!
although this is food, golgappa is something for which Am and will go the extent of begging, walking in the rain, spending the laaast penny in our wallets. this crazyness dates back to the times when Birju and the rest of us walked to Mekri...-sigh-

-Chilly Cheese!
may the god blesss Juice Junction! during all "important meetings" at JWT it was these sandwiches that made the day! (P.S: par i will never forget the job report day! heheh)

-Facebook!
yeh! yeh! i AM addicted to the Music Challenge and the Puzzle Bee but it makes me high ok..! :)

-Ice cream
oooooo, mint ice can make me really high! hehe...even plain vanilla scoop does it! (P.S: it gets better with smoke)

-Batman!
need i explain? ;)

-Will Smith!
Ahem!

-Coffee!
black coffee

-Night Outs
conversations at 4am in the morning, the crazy things we do, par's terrace, drunk nights at sue's, Am's terrace, p's house (adu :)

-Travel!
even if we travel to par's house together its ok...but just the journey with friends makes me high!! hheheh..

coonoor....oh!...cooonoor!!

2008-09-04T06:51:00.000-07:00

when sweet rain fall on the mud
when the mystic fog begins to set in
the smell of a homely place invites.
so carefree we were
the indulgence, a sin.

the winding roads
of a cheerless town.
your palace makes me smile
good riddance
oh miserable frown!

those earthquake chairs
they call be back
butter chicken
even non-veg
seems so fair!

but this will fade
one day, it will
all those smiles,
good time
will stand still.

pray come back
oh lovely morning smoke.
i now understand,
being dead is no joke.

20 more smile...20 more times of u and me...

2008-09-04T06:27:00.000-07:00

itz a month before my best friends birthday
"par is it too early to begin preparations?"
the answer was NO!
at the nick of time so many there was so much to do and so little time!!! hehehehe.

so much contemplation...
will she like all this
will she not...
i want her to like it man...

all this paid off...so very well...
all that manipulation
all those lies.

but i made her cry.

these material things are the only way we can show how much we love somebody.
this is the only was to say i hope i can give u what u want.

but this birthday made be realize a lot of things,
i can't buy everything someone wants.
i can't really work in isolation.
nothing can be achieved without a bit of tricky business involved.

but i can make the one who means the world smile for me....:)
that day was perfect
-click-
there...i capture the moment...
forever....

spring cleaning....

2008-09-04T06:10:00.000-07:00

i literally took a broom and cleaned my head!!!
all the fucking junk
useless crap
unwanted memories....all gone.
Freud would call this repression but i don't give a donkey's ass to him.
all the things he said, every time i cried seems very juvenile all of a sudden (hope this is not a phase!!!)
may be i'm only cleaning up for more junk
but i am happy.
something about this feeling....
a feather light feeling creeps in.
may be i'm cleaning so i become stronger...
i can yell at my feelings now...
"leave me alone"....
i like being alone...
without any syndrome....:)

the knight and the libertine queen

2008-07-31T10:26:00.000-07:00

promise to take me back my friend,
i said,
promise to take me back.
this sea is so eerie,
without you here
it's very scary.
these were the last words i said.
i died after that.
only the sea lived on,
only that feel lived on.

now can you see the twelve ships there?
oh! you can't see from the eyes of the dead!

so sad it is
so sad
so sad
so sad
i tried to feel you
but you were too far
there were a million moons
and only one star.

now can you see the knight of the twelve ships there?
oh you cant see from the eyes of the dead!

so happy we were
so happy
so happy
so happy
then i walked a mile within
and found you there
then we walked a mile apart
and i don't care

where is the knight? where did he go
master of my body, my heart and soul

i was lying on the grass
and my feet were wet
it was two in the morning
and the sun hadn't set

the knight of the twelve ships
came riding on a dolphin
will you be my princess? he asked
i began to cry,
i began to laugh
you turned to me and said enough.
then i kissed my knight goodbye.

where are the twelve ships? did you see them drown?
wait...
i'll light the fire it will burn them down.

The Beginning Is The End Is The Beginning

2008-07-24T08:38:00.001-07:00

mesmeric.....moving....

Send a heartbeat to
The void that cries through you
Relive the pictures that have come to pass
For now we stand alone
The world is lost and blown
And we are flesh and blood disintegrate
With no more to hate

Is it bright where you are
Have the people changed
Does it make you happy you're so strange
And in your darkest hour
I hold secrets flame
We can watch the world devoured in it's pain

Delivered from the blast
The last of a line of lasts
The pale princess of a palace cracked
And now the kingdom comes
Crashing down undone
And I am a master of a nothing place
Of recoil and grace

Is it bright where you are
Have the people changed
Does it make you happy you're so strange
And in your darkest hour
I hold secrets flame
We can watch the world devoured in it's pain

Time has stopped before us
The sky cannot ignore us
No one can separate us
For we are all that is left
The echo bounces off me
The shadow lost beside me
There's no more need to pretend
Cause now I can begin again

Is it bright where you are
Have the people changed
Does it make you happy you're so strange
And in your darkest hour
I hold secrets flame
We can watch the world devoured in it's pain
Strange
Strange
Strange

the craziest things..........

2008-07-20T03:18:00.000-07:00

Chapter 1
Booze madness.....

"lets go party...!"

"oh! no...not hapenning!"

"ok then..lets go to par's house"

"birju come no...please"

"no! im meditating...om shanti om"

"birju, v'll have fashion show..girls macha...come no"

(louder than before) "om shanti Om Shanti"

"ok....(plan B) par's mom will be there"

(after a long pause) "really? -smile- (closing eyes) no way! OM SHANTI OM"

"fine!"

"fine!"

(makes muthi)

then v set off...by ourselves...

wait....

entry...flash bulb: "lets get booze?" (little drool and lots of smiles)

the stage was set..."bring it on"...but the fizz went out and we all got choaped! :(

first it began to rain....we almost built a house on par's terrace and now we have to bring it down...

"oh god. Zo is not waking up...."

"ok chuck him...poor thing"

"lets watch hitch...." (big smile on my face...lots of drool too...)

"oh...baby...common....!!"
par was trying to seduce her comp....

i hope seduction works....but then...sometimes...itz dangerous...but i like it...no its harmful...Errrr! too many thoughts...coming too fastly..have to stop them, have to stop them!

one bottle down....(will never looked better!)

"girls...hello! there you all slept off?.......i'll finish all the booze. where z the sprite bottle.....(bend....) balls, i cant reach it.....-gulp-"

down went the vodka and out came the phone....

"Good nite".....who messages anyone at 2 in the morning saying good nite?
me..me...i do!!

"good nite".....he replied...he replied.....-sigh-

will in front o me...booze in my hand and the msg on my phone....lovely!!!!

"hey, you still awake......"!
fuck! fuck! my phone.....those mo*$%&***#$ Vodaphone took all the balance i had.....
the death of my conversation!!!!!!

"my msgs are not going" (i repeated that 10 million times)

-gulp- the rest of the vodka went down my throat....it felt hot..like someone was holding a matchstick inside my throat....

"sum...wat r u doing?"

"par, i think i need to puke"
i move one step...my body was light...i felt this immense vacuum inside my head...a strange numbness...i was in my senses...definitely...but why did I......

-crash- -splash-
i had broken a glass....the pieces split across the floor...like they were never a part of the same glass...like they had nothin to do with each other.....
they ran...rapidly...stumbling over the big cockroach..i think they were running away from me...may be i was bad, may be i was too drunk, may be they were punishing me for having msged him....

after a million attempts, i gathered myself together.....
"sorry par...I...."

"it's ok"...she had to say that....

"my phone is not working....why cant i send msgs....par play 'so called friend'...he is awake...what do you care sue...(she said something in response...don't remember)....

"im sorry"...will was saying...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"good morning....."

The night is darkest before the dawn!

2008-07-19T07:15:00.000-07:00

what doesnt kill you only makes you stranger.....

the movie of a millennium THE DARK KNIGHT!
the action, the dialogues....man even doping wouldn't give you this kick, the high!
this it not only a movie....itz a phenomenon, a brain-washing movement....
my sense of justice has changed...

there is no good or bad...itz the grey in between!

so those who haven't watched the movie....be prepared to be shaken! be prepared to disbelieve....for those who watched it...
rattle on guys....:)

Lovely Lakhe...:D

2008-05-04T01:13:00.000-07:00

the sea,
the wind,
the smell of the soil
and the touch of water...
carries me to a different world each time.
a home away from home is the best i can say about The Lake.
the serenity of that place evokes a strange sense of belonging in anyone who goes there.
its impossible to turn a blind eye to its seductive simplicity. may be its mother nature's loving lap,
maybe its the magic of the journey to that place
or maybe its the enigma of the people you are with that makes The Lake the most desirable place in the universe!
this is the feeling i get every time i go to The Lake.
but this time the company i had only doubled the mesmeric effect The Lake has on me...

love my friends and love The Lake!!!!

helplessness.....

2008-04-03T08:02:00.000-07:00

the feeling will remain for the rest of time.
but life goes on...
it hurts,
pricks,
tickles;
i laugh
but soon cry.
there is nothing i can do.
trying to race ahead of time
i landed here,
in this mess.
i stoop down to clean it up...
i try
harder each time,
but there is nothing i can do.
now i have made up my mind...
i will let it go.
write with new words,
sing another song,
i will not fight against the wind anymore.
blow me alway
oh wind...
coz
there is nothing i can do.

(inspired by Poision...Life goes on)

aaah??? wat did u say?

2008-03-22T05:07:00.000-07:00

have u ever felt like everything that is happening is unreal or a dream?
lately, i feel nothing around me. its a real funny state to be in.
i can see you, i can hear you but when you speak, the words just pass me through.
i cant assimilate it. itz a kind of high..i think!
well, i m not thinking anything as well. i am not happy...nor am i sad. i feel...indifferent! numb!
two days ago i was going to catch the wrong bus!
what if i end up in front of the wrong home..knocking at the door?
what if i just swing myself from the parapet and land on my head?
i m trying to get out of this almost doped like state!
but as long as it is here...
will throughly enjoy it i guess...
crazy, unpredictable life!
-sigh-

i'll be what i want...u'll be what i want!

2008-02-17T00:11:00.000-08:00

(no offense meant to anyone...i m only speaking for all the weirdo's around)

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice
when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special...

this has been bothering me for a while now,
is being different a sin?
why cant people accept me as i am?
am i so weird u dont want anything to do with me?
no....
i m as normal as u are...
i wish u'd open your fucking eyes to it one day....
accept me...
embrace me...
nah...
tooo late...
i'd rather say bare with who i am.
coz not in a million years will you find another me...
even though there might be a a million 'you' everywhere!

much worse thank you..

2008-02-11T03:07:00.000-08:00

of all the times i yelled a silent scream,
its your name i took.
i dreamt of u,
i dreamt of her.
the rage
it crept
like a swelling sea.
i knew no cure
i knew no answer.
but still i found a way...
now
i no longer feel
i no longer dream
i no longer heal.

2008-02-09T06:18:00.000-08:00

With a rich brilliance
he shines,
Without fear,
he conquers.
The rest...
burning.
Turning everything to ashes,
He spread.
But his valor
comes to an end,
while I tame him in My fingertips.

no..not a feminist protest...look beyond..can u guess what am speaking off?

the picture is suggestive...read it again, you'll get it...

2008-02-09T05:06:00.000-08:00

Godsmack says it the best....
a feeling that not very alien to any
o us...:)

Moon Baby

Let's take a blast up to the moon baby
I sit around wishing you well
How I'm craving you, Yeah!
Every time I'm near you
I always wanna swallow you down
I'll be right here if ya' need me
In my life, I'll need you here, don't ask why
I'll never disappear
Why is it everyday that I feel the pain?
Let's take a trip to the stars far away
Where were you when I was down?
Staring into the dead
My pain is caused by my pleasure
My soul mate lives in your body
I can't get you out of my head
It never goes away
In my life, I'll need you here, don't ask why
I'll never disappear
In your eyes you can bid me farewell
But don't ever try to understand the situation
Why is it everyday that I feel the pain?
It always comes when I least expect it
When I'm looking for love
Always seem to be regretting it
Why is it everyday that I feel the pain?

2008-02-05T08:13:00.000-08:00

in life, we all have a reason why we wake up in the morning and wish for the day to be good...my reason..is there to the right of the pic...my best friend! she defines me..Lovely place we were at that day, with two lovely other people. {different issue that we blew up a fortune on the food that day!!} anyway...isnt she magnificent? hope all o your are envious rite now...;)

the only light in darkness

2008-02-05T07:54:00.001-08:00

fire...its a burning passion...
light...its a guiding force...
choose what kind of energy you are.

philosophy?

2008-02-05T07:32:00.000-08:00

as much as we misuse this word... -sigh-
well...i believe that all situations are neither black or white..itz all the grey in between...
it helps when i think of the world to work in this way. we all need to find a philosophy for ourselves...just so that we understand the crippled realities around us and the fate that sometimes govern us...so, watz your theory?