the post from wenever to forever

man!
wat a long time it has been since i fed this poor hungry blog!
i was waiting for peace of mind
was waiting for an assurance of some kind.

after college got over,
after that insane month march...holy lord!
assignments and a kickass b'day went so perfectly well with one another, a shock indeed! :)

then came the long, unfruitful holidays!
the longest of them all..but filled with uncertainty! hated it
but hey, can't crib any longer...i did get into a place where they pay me for studying..

the feeling of going away had well seeped in by the time it hit me like a bolt. it is a very confused feeling...it doesnt know wat causes it and what it may result in! bloody heart

like i hadn't cursed it enough already...the month of june broke my heart, threw it on the floor and tap danced on it merrily!
like asha says..."yappa swammy" condition i was in...
being miserable with a smile on your face- not the top 5 desirable emotions..i assure you!
although,

i like it that you cared,
i like it that you loved,
i like how u smiled at me and
i like how you cried for me
but
i hate how you left with my heart bleeding with your stupidity
i hate how you switched off my future
i hate how you then laughed with glee..

after being paranoid and self destroyed i got to this:
not bleeding my soul out for you any longer..
not going to lead you the wrong way on..
fly away
you are free!

im free...
im going off from home..
new life..
new people.
its a little strange that things are changing so rapidly...
i get up abruptly from sleep sometimes,
thinking,
im going to be so lonely that i can only speak
to the dullest faces
meet the stillness of air
and spend time with the empty spaces.

i miss my vibrant friends,
i miss their animated-ness
and i miss walking around in packs like i owned every inch of land.

but then
let the insanity begin...
my bags are packed with every inch of my individuality and locked with confidence!

bring it on!
:D

dancing in the dark

"you are 8 mins late"
well, birju has to yell, act responsible before going to that lake, its a tradition and he was fulfilling it well.
we rode to TFF, our old hang-out. nothing had changed. the parota, that old dog, the cucumber pieces, those steps lots of memories.
we began the ride to the lake. i felt it was not going to be the same, we had company this time, company i wasnt sure about. but what the heck! i am going home.

on the way was the first heart-breaker.
the broken temple- it was gone!! they had broken the broken temple.
we cursed, we cursed more, as there was nothin else we could do.

we moved on.
we found another temple.
it was broken.
we made new memories there.
that was the point,
we had set out to make new memories
fresh ones.

we reached.
uncle and his warmth.
we were home.
-sigh-

we invaded our territory,
the kitchen!
-grin-
it's always like the men are going to come home and we were cooking for them,
looking forward to them.

the sun was waiting for us to set.
he stood there patiently,
flaunting the million colours in his disposition.
demanding to be photographed!
so be it.
-click- -click-
all over the place!

we laid down on the bank.
motionlessly.
i thought
"nothing has changed.
nothing will".

-lol-
roshan said it looking at the fried fish on the plate
"what did this fish know it would be dead and fried on my plate.
just yesterday it would have been happy and playful in the water".
we laughed it off.
but its true..
so true.

we can back and set up the music.
all of roshan music
playing loudly.
i was home
we were home.

then we played cards.
the pack of card were flipping from side to side
and me,
i was tripping on that.
ross was lucky
and uncle was tactful
they made a winning team and we went down!
"burning burning happening"
"burning burning happening"
birju was jealous
insecure...
like always.
well for uncle,
we are kidnapping him for sure.

omelet
puliogre rice
and the sweet taste of water.
satisfying dinner.

ross's mind was set,
the flame will be kindled
no matter what,
but first hurdle-
uncle ko mananna.
after a lot of puppy faces he looked at me.
"sumathi vaha thandi hai"
"parva nahi uncle hum sweater pahne hai", i said.
it worked
it worked!
he took out the wires, the logs.
birju said "which father does all this for his child and friends"
it was true. uncle had gone outta his way to set up the camp-fire for us.

fire!
oh my god!
fire!
it was awesome.
i loved it.
one more entry on my "high" list!
the 'boss' said it right "we were just dancing in the dark".
we controlled small little flames on our fingertips as well..
after much argument not to mention!
the night grew darker and colder.
"god"(roshan) kept saying
"let there be fire"
but his words had no effect when we had ran out of things to burn.
we called it a night.

in spite of gongamma's weird noises, we slept a little,
not as much as gongamma but still.

the next morning we ate Maggi...:D
the water was awaiting.
wait no longer...
-plunge-
she and i were water-dancing.
then birju, megha and i were playing ring-a-ring-a-roses in the water!!!
oh ya! the "mixy".
soon we were flipping like a dolphin.
the hardest part is leaving the water,
leaving from the lake.

"macha check if we have left anything behind. except all the memories", ross was right.
lots of memories were left behind.
as i peeped into the empty room, i could here your laughter(ok...little over dramatic.but feeling behind it ok!!)

"the etiquette of roshan's group".
let there be fire
(damn it doesn't work now)
:)

a new flame has been kindled

these are not mine!
not my tears
not my fears.
whose shoes do i keep slipping into
what is this im trying to figure out?
it gone...
everything.

it's a new kinda flame now.
it burns with happyness
with a smile.
not because i dont care for you,
but because i want to care for me.
i want to be your happy person.
i want to be there for you.
i will say stupid things,
act mad,
behave insane,
behave childlike.
i will be high,
i will be here.

just let me be
just let it be.

i dont want to know if its fading away
i dont want to know if u care
i dont want to see what's the truth
i dont want to know your lies.
i like it this way.
i like these shoes.

just let me be
just let it be.

I-Am-High!! :D

i was thinking of all those things that makes me "that kinda high", the list has just began! -grin-
hope this post makes you high too!

- Alcohol duh!
although beer is better that gulping vodka like a fool...heheh.

- weed!
the high i get with weed is like sublime, pure this is beyond high, itz trance.

-The Lake
that water, the nariyal, roshan's smile when he sees those fishes, the ride/drive there! all the all of it!

-Those fools!
my best friends are addictive and they all smell thus they can mke me high! (there must be a waring on them! hehe)

-Zombie high
usually nehal's state, but really sleep deprivation can do this to you!

-MUSIC
there are like a million songs, although currently Loverman, Mettalica(thanks Abhilash!! hehe), Radiohead Punchdrunk Lovesick Singalong, Intertia creeps (Massive Attack), The Kooks Shine On, all of System of a down, Micheal Buble (when im in the mood for sway)...lets stop at that!

-photo-taking!
like par said "this sum no! cant keep qite with a cam in her hand". hehe...come on! itz photography...:)

-Rain
i know for a fact that im not the only one here! hehe...the smell of rain and the cold feel it can leave u with...magicall!

-Backward walking
Par and i came up with this song and everything...try walking backward. alomost theaputic i sould say...-grin-

-My Happy people
somethimes, you need other people to make you happy and in the process, they just end up making me high! hehe...Sheryas tops my list right now! :)

-Weird words
i dont know where i pick these words from but Althuzar, Zarathustra, Zuloooo, owl noises (oooooo), watok, basically 'phrasebook material', tend to make me high. i think itz like Fred Flintstone's "yabadabadoooooo" hehehe

-food!
no really, some food does get me high! hehe...maggi and curds top the list!

-Golgappa!
although this is food, golgappa is something for which Am and will go the extent of begging, walking in the rain, spending the laaast penny in our wallets. this crazyness dates back to the times when Birju and the rest of us walked to Mekri...-sigh-

-Chilly Cheese!
may the god blesss Juice Junction! during all "important meetings" at JWT it was these sandwiches that made the day! (P.S: par i will never forget the job report day! heheh)

-Facebook!
yeh! yeh! i AM addicted to the Music Challenge and the Puzzle Bee but it makes me high ok..! :)

-Ice cream
oooooo, mint ice can make me really high! hehe...even plain vanilla scoop does it! (P.S: it gets better with smoke)

-Batman!
need i explain? ;)

-Will Smith!
Ahem!

-Coffee!
black coffee

-Night Outs
conversations at 4am in the morning, the crazy things we do, par's terrace, drunk nights at sue's, Am's terrace, p's house (adu :)

-Travel!
even if we travel to par's house together its ok...but just the journey with friends makes me high!! hheheh..

coonoor....oh!...cooonoor!!

when sweet rain fall on the mud
when the mystic fog begins to set in
the smell of a homely place invites.
so carefree we were
the indulgence, a sin.

the winding roads
of a cheerless town.
your palace makes me smile
good riddance
oh miserable frown!

those earthquake chairs
they call be back
butter chicken
even non-veg
seems so fair!

but this will fade
one day, it will
all those smiles,
good time
will stand still.

pray come back
oh lovely morning smoke.
i now understand,
being dead is no joke.

20 more smile...20 more times of u and me...

itz a month before my best friends birthday
"par is it too early to begin preparations?"
the answer was NO!
at the nick of time so many there was so much to do and so little time!!! hehehehe.

so much contemplation...
will she like all this
will she not...
i want her to like it man...

all this paid off...so very well...
all that manipulation
all those lies.

but i made her cry.

these material things are the only way we can show how much we love somebody.
this is the only was to say i hope i can give u what u want.

but this birthday made be realize a lot of things,
i can't buy everything someone wants.
i can't really work in isolation.
nothing can be achieved without a bit of tricky business involved.

but i can make the one who means the world smile for me....:)
that day was perfect
-click-
there...i capture the moment...
forever....

spring cleaning....

i literally took a broom and cleaned my head!!!
all the fucking junk
useless crap
unwanted memories....all gone.
Freud would call this repression but i don't give a donkey's ass to him.
all the things he said, every time i cried seems very juvenile all of a sudden (hope this is not a phase!!!)
may be i'm only cleaning up for more junk
but i am happy.
something about this feeling....
a feather light feeling creeps in.
may be i'm cleaning so i become stronger...
i can yell at my feelings now...
"leave me alone"....
i like being alone...
without any syndrome....:)